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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: December 2006

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Thursday, December 28, 2006. I've never had a dream like that, and I also seldom have bad dreams in the traditional sense. The last dream I had that really unnerved me was at least five years ago and I barely remember it; I think the pod from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Bad Dream Type One: The Wondrous Too-Good-To-Be-True. Nothing is intrinsically "bad" about these dreams, while I'm having them. Bad Dream Type Two: The Terrible Trivium. If I did anything I shouldn't. And then...

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: March 2007

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Thursday, March 29, 2007. He Only Had 35 Seconds Left 'til Retirement". A) Picture Soldier and Wahlberg spend the next two hours of the movie reminiscing about the people they left behind, and wondering if this battle is ever gonna get going. Eventually a superior officer pulls up next to them in a Jeep and says "never mind, boys, the enemy went home. Let's get some whores.". C) Picture Soldier is cut in half by machine gun fire 30 seconds later. That shit was DARK. Like...

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: October 2006

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Tuesday, October 24, 2006. I'm A Driver, I'm A Winner. I've been on antidepressants for a week. I've been depressed since elementary school. Let's just say the drugs have some catching up to do. I wonder what school would have been like with the finest products of modern psychopharmacology running through my system. Would I get picked sooner for dodgeball? Would I have lost my virginity any earlier? Would I have, for the love of God, picked a major? Posted by PJay at 10:00 AM.

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: August 2006

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Thursday, August 31, 2006. This week, I made the most dangerous discovery that a comedian with a both-sides-of-the-family history of alcoholism can possibly make:. Bombing doesn't hurt when you're drunk. I suddenly understood, as if it were written across my blurred vision in letters of dim blue fire, the reason why so many comics become hopeless alcoholics. I am not a big. At the bottom of this fourth bottle of Budweiser, you also say? Barfing In The Office. The human body ...

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: February 2007

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Wednesday, February 28, 2007. Come To Me, Jungle Friends. It probably says something profound about my relationships with humans that the two most spiritual experiences I can remember having principally involve animals. Well, that's not exactly true. Humans are involved, but only peripherally. Here they are; the saddest thing and the happiest thing that I have seen, ever:. When I saw this, my first thought was "who does that? Why SHOULDN'T a kitty be commemorated? No religio...

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: September 2006

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Wednesday, September 13, 2006. Bait And Switch (To A Different Bait). I'm deep in debt right now. I have terrible problems with money and cannot resist spending it even when I don't have it. When I get money, I tend to celebrate by spending it. I've managed to avoid collection agencies and make payments vaguely on time for about a year and a half, but my house of cards (credit cards! I open it up, and it's an offer to apply for a preapproved Nissan car loan of up to $30,000.

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: July 2006

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Thursday, July 13, 2006. I just now attempted to open the mailbox at my office with the key to the mailbox at my apartment building. I think I may be short on sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I was websurfing and happened upon the Wikipedia page for Domo-kun. A Japanese TV station mascot. I was thinking to myself, "That little guy looks like a talking poop", when the phone rang at my desk. I am supposed to answer the phone like so: "Thank you for calling Company Name! I ate so ...

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka: April 2007

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Go Fetch Me A Loaded Bazooka. Wednesday, April 04, 2007. The Year Of Magical Black People, by Joan Didion. Or Michael Clarke Duncan's magical man-child in The Green Mile. That's why I'm proposing a new archetype: the Scientific Black Man. He's a guy who pops up in the middle of some hilariously unlikely movie scenario - think Jeff Goldblum hacking the alien computer in Independence Day. This concept may need work, but it's way better than my last archetype ideas, the Recklessly Thrill-Seeking Jew and the...